I was recently asked by a fan to share my feelings about our new home. 

I better stop myself right there and explain that sentence. First off, I bet you didn’t realize I had fans, did you. #humblebrag 

Well, I have many. Dozens? Hundreds? I can’t really count more than more-than-one. But I know more than one thing for certain: when I walk into West Marine I am greeted with a picture of myself, looking stunning in tan. The Long Haired One is present in the photo also, but fuzzy and in the background. The other thing I know is that fans approach me often. “Oh, is that a cocker spaniel?” they all said in the Carolinas. “Look at that cocker spaniel!” they all exclaim in Virginia. Life is good here, for I have found my people. 

Did you say you got a new home, Hastings? Yes, we moved aboard a new boat in January. We lived on it in the boatyard, and now at a marina. We’ve done a few weeks of sailing and living at anchor too. It’s fine, though it does not have as much space as the old boat. That works better for me in the end. I prefer to be directly beneath the One True Daddy at all times anyway, so that I may help him up should he trip (he often does-I don’t know why) and so that I may look cute and calm him should he curse about not having a place to put his feet (he often does that too-I’m not sure why).

The best thing about this new boat is that it took me to meet new fans. These fans are in Maryland, and with any luck, they’ll be teaching those Carolina and Virginia stiffs a thing or two. In Solomons, we went out to dinner. This is definitely the best thing about traveling. During the summer, when the boat is hot, my people don’t often leave me alone aboard. So I go everywhere; I even get to go to restaurants. Traditionally, this has always been a bit disappointing. Yes, they often snuck me bites when no one was looking. Burgers, fries, etc. Always a tiny offering. But in Solomons, the server was the most caring and thoughtful fan I had ever met. She produced a plate of french fries. She said, “I’m not sure if dogs are allowed to have fries…” I got worried, but I rolled out my “I Can Have Anything” face and they were given. Delicious.

We left Solomons the next morning and cruised to a place called St. Michaels. 

Now I must lodge one complaint about the new boat: the dinghy is ridiculous. It’s loud and stinky and slow. It takes forever to get to shore. Get on that crew!

The dock at St Michaels had some of the nicest bathroom facilities we’ve come across. A city park with a well manicured and well-fertilized lawn. Just lovely. And I needed it after that dinghy ride.

We walked into a busy little town. Lots of fans, potential fans, and fans who weren’t fans yet. We went to another restaurant. I was braced for disappointment as the waiter brought baskets of food over to the table. He took one off the tray, and it went down past the table. It was placed in front of me. It contained an entire chopped hamburger patty, cooked and cooled just enough to eat without slowing down. So I didn’t slow down. "What sort of residency requirements does Maryland have?" I ask as I lick my chops.

The next morning we go for breakfast. I was given a slice of bacon while the crew enjoyed crepes. We walked the town and stopped by the brewery. They didn’t have food, but I was allowed to sit inside, in the AC at the bar with them. What a day! The next day we went to the pizzeria. My Darling Mom, who is now giving me choices from the menu, offers the “Lady and the Tramp pasta and meatballs” or the “Sammy’s Beef Stew”. The Lady and the Tramp was amazing. 

The only bummer about this situation is that apparently going to restaurants and receiving food is not free. I was informed that my Cocker Spaniel Appreciation Enterprises venture was not yet in the black and that unless revenues improved dining out would be curtailed. Regardless, every walk into town I encouraged them to try something. Ice cream, bars, pubs, brunch, dinner, lupper, elevensies, etc. And I did get to go back and try Sammy’s Stew, which was delicious but contained stupid vegetables that you had to eat around and spit out.

Our time in St Michaels came too soon to a close and we set sail back to Virginia. I still like Virginia, but now when I snooze I’m thinking about Maryland and all that it has to offer! 

Dear Swimming Pigs of the Bahamas LTD,

I saw with excitement your advertisement for an intern Swimming Pig. I have been monitoring the success of Swimming Pigs of the Bahamas, LLC with interest and delight. My current managers have often mentioned that I would make a great swimming pig. I couldn't agree more. 

My primary quality is insatiable greed. I have noticed that the current pigs are able to continuously and without complaint leap up time after time and charge towards humans in demand of food. I too have this skill and am constantly hungry. In fact, that is one of my main motivations for applying. My current managers used to believe that one meal a day was sufficient. My cunning and charm have increased the meal allotment by 300%. I am now seeking to bring my award winning skills to a position where I can continue to grow with the company. I believe that Swimming Pigs, LTD will enable my charms to extract 15 – 20 meals a day. 

I am extrememly charming and beautiful. Strangers often stop me in the street to discuss my wonderfullness and often offer treats. Everywhere I go, I employ my unique skill set to charm and procure. 

As I said, I have been following Swimming Pigs of the Bahamas, LTD with interest. Please allow me to make a suggestion. Could we distribute a list of acceptable foods with an accompanying reward chart? Cheese and chicken = swimming and smiles. Chicken = swimming. Vegetables = glares (add retching noises on a case by case basis). Nothing = bites. In my experience, humans are very stupid and need things spelled out for them, with the appropriate demonstrations, hour after hour, day after day. 

Please do not discount me for having paws instead of hoofs. I believe that my uniqueness will be a strong asset to your company and will enable more effective cross-marketing and empower you to attract a wider audience than you have ever dreamed. 

In closing, I believe that I have both the greed and the cuteness neccessary to succeed as a Swimming Pig. I have a documented track record of successful food procurement and believe that I could be the asset that causes exponential growth for Swimming Pigs of the Bahamas, LTD.

Please find the enclosed headshots, as requested. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely, 

Captain Hastings  

Tactic 1: Doe Eyes

Tactic 2: Heavy breathing and Glaring

Tactic 3: I Do Deserve a Donut.

Head Shot

Strong Ability to Frolic for Instagram

Tactic 4: Make Meaning Clear with Hitting.

My parents are the worst, as I'm sure you know. They have a word that could mean torture or fun. This word encompasses everything from "trips to the vet"  to "paddle boarding on a death trap". So when they say "adventure", I can only hope they mean "cheeseburger" and not "5 days at sea". 

In some ways I was relieved when they pulled up to an uninhabited island. No vet here! But then I sniffed the air and smelled only healthy nature. No snack shop for this poor downtrodden beast. Sigh. 

"Let's go on an adventure" they said. "It will be fun", they said. So we dinghyed over to a sandbar and I was bored to tears. The Long Haired Interloper was fascinated by creatures, some dead, some living. 

"Let's go an adventure" they said. "You'll like this one!" they said. I hesitated. I could stay home, enjoy the breeze, and search for hidden food while these two have their own adventure..... but my leadership drive kicked in, and I reluctantly joined them.  

"Beach trail" Ahh, next to cheeseburgers a wooded trail is the best adventure a dog could ask for!  

We really enjoyed our week-long stay in St Augustine. The City Marina had extensive damage from Hurricane Irma this year and had very limited dockage. As a result, they were limiting stays on their mooring balls to one week. That’s probably good because we might have stayed all season. With the dinghy dock at the bottom of the main road through town, and lots of shops and restaurants and bars within walking distance (all of which accepted dollars), we would’ve been broke in no time! Captain Hastings the Boat Dog LOVED St Augustine.

Captain Hastings Visits St. Augustine

Well, it’s happened again dear readers: my humans have proven they are the weirdest people in the world. They brought us to a town full of pirates! Like, I mean, they pulled up and parked us here and basically said, "we surrender!” So yet again, it’s up to me to save them.

Every day we are bombarded by either musket or cannon fire. A pirate ship regularly patrols the waterway here. We are basically unarmed and I can only bark so much. Bizarro world man.

At night from our mooring ball there was so much to watch and monitor. Tour boats full of tourists would cruise by, blocking our view of the pretty town and lights. The Long Haired one insisted on singing Christmas carols when they passed. I just barked. In other news, the pirate ship passed one night; the crew signing very lewd songs very loudly. Darling Dad felt this was very funny!

Look at all these people! So many opportunities to be told how cute I am, and also to be asked if I am a cocker spaniel. I am. It’s almost a North Carolina level of love…almost. I only say that because the dog store here didn't have beef liver jerky. Just sayin'. They did provide a smorgasbord of samples of other treats, and they weren't stingy at all with these treats...so I still rate it 5 paws.

Then, of course, the humans wanted to go into town late every night to take pictures of the lights. La de dah!

A trip report from Hastings the Boat Dog

One day a week or so ago, I heard the humans clanking and yawning. Making coffee, a drug that they are reliant on in order to face the travails of the day (the travails that they bring upon themselves, endlessly and without ceasing). I opened my eyes and sighed. I guess I should get up and supervise them, even though it won't do any good. 

They ignore my advice (which is: stay in bed, then stare out the window, then go on a walk, eat cheese, then nap, then another walk, then eat three chicken dinners). But, there's a problem! I can't get up! My legs do nothing. Nothing. I lay my head down and think. This isn't good. I try again. Nothing. I look at the temperature gauge: 44F. My, that's arctic! Did you know arthritis gets worse with cold weather? Well, I do. I decide to communicate my need for drugs and Florida to the humans. They appropriately freak out.