Swift

The 5 Steps of Boat Projects


Prep: Identify boat project and read Don Casey tips. Estimated time of completion: 1 hour. 

Step 1: Gather tools
     1A: Destroy home while spending three hours manically looking for tools.
     1B: Realize tools are lost.
     1C: Drive to store. No tools.
     1D: Order tool online. Tool shipped from Timbuktu by slow ferry. Arrives 1 month later. Tool is wrong. 
     Ask online tool help desk for help.
     Help desk in foreign country. Only available at 3AM.
     Help desk discusses non-related problem.
     Help desk infers you are an idiot.
     Help desk is tired of inferring and tells you directly of your idiocy.
     Help desk would send tool but manager is away for a year. 
     Help desk would send tool but they are celebrating carnival for the next month.
     Help desk would send tool but you can't seem to remember your zip code.
     Help desk would send tool but your billing and shipping address don't match. They've alerted the authorities. 
     1E: 1 additional month later: Tool is shipped from Timbuktu on ferry that hits bad weather.
     1G: Tool stuck in customs.
     1H: Tool arrives. 

Step 2: Begin Project. Note: the last 10 weeks of waiting for tool has been balmy and cool. Now, it's hot and humid. 

Step 3: While working on project, break or discover other broken items.

Step 4: Curse Previous Owners.

Step 5: Realize there are WAY more than 5 steps to any boat project.

Step 6: Curse Surveyor.

Step 7: Read Don Casey for the 6 new projects that have cropped up.

Step 8: Drink wine.

Step 9: Look at photos of cabins in mountains.

Step 10: The sun has dipped behind the trees. Excitedly go back to project.

Step 11: Be eaten alive by a hungry horde of mosquitos. 

Step 12: As you lay down, on the ground, in an anemic fit of despair, your neighbor appears, with beer, that they drink alone and do not share. "Looks like you got yourself a boat project there". Cue 1 hour of persecuting nonversation. 

Step 13: Burning sensation. Realize you have been laying in paint stripper and your clothes have burned off and your body is covered in welts. Neighbor is highly entertained. 

Step 14: Admit the day is over and you must retreat. Look forward to sitting on your couch with wine.

Step 15: There's nowhere to sit due to Step 1A: Home destroyed by tool finding frenzy disaster. 

Step 16: There's no wine. It was drunk in Step 7: Drink wine.

Step 17: Spouse appears. (It is assumed they were off having a lovely time.) "So, how'd the one hour project go?" 

  

You Might Also Like

0 comments

Flickr Images