It's 3AM, I Must Be Googling (Or, How to Not Sleep on a Boat)


Matt here. It’s 3 AM and I can’t sleep, again. I’ve woken up in a dreadful panic: my hand has gone completely numb and I’ve lost all muscle control and feeling. Not the best way to wake up! I sit up in bed trying not to wake Lucy, but I’m really freaking out. Gradually blood starts to flow again, and a hot tingling tells me that this is going to be uncomfortable for awhile but that I will live another day. But wait, it happened last night too. What could be going on? Maybe my friend Mr. Google can help. “Arm goes to sleep at night.” Poor circulation. Diabetes. Cardiovascular disease. What, didn’t my grandfather die of something like that? “Symptoms of arteriosclerosis.” Tingling arms. Eeek! Try to go to sleep, stop Googling. Should I call a doctor? I should I go tomorrow? What if it happens again? I shift uncomfortably on our inflatable mattress. Lucy sold our bed on Craigslist in our efforts to “purge” our stuff in preparation to move onto the boat. The folks that came for the nice four poster frame also wanted our disgusting old mattress, which came as a surprise to us. Seriously, who does that? Thankfully we had this inflatable in the garage or we’d be on the floor! Lucy seems happy and it’s not too bad, and with a little effort and feeling restored in my arm I drift back to sleep.

One day later

It’s 4 AM and I snap awake in a fright. My whole leg is numb. I leap off the bed and hobble around the dark room, stubbing my toe on the dresser. Last night it’s my hand, now it’s my leg. Not good. Google, “Symptoms of diabetes." Nerve damage. Kidney failure. Ack! This is bad! I’ve got to live a better life! What do I eat? Too much junk food, that’s what’s doing it. Nothing but broccoli and carrots from now on! And while I might survive tonight, tomorrow I’ll be in the ER having my foot amputated! Amputation, now that’s scary. Remember that movie set during the Civil War and they just hack-sawed peoples arms off to save them? What movie was that? I wish I could remember so I don’t accidentally watch it again! I sit back on the bed and try to calm down. The air is pushed out of my side and makes Lucy’s entire body bounce a few inches into the air. We decide we’d better get one of those memory foam toppers to make life on this inflatable mattress more bearable for the next few weeks until we get on the boat. As an added bonus, the topper will be great on the boat and should make the boat mattress like heaven!

One month later

It’s 5 AM and the panic grips me again. My back is aching. It’s probably my kidneys. I know it’s my kidneys, Google told me that last month. I roll onto my side, which makes my arm start hurting. When was the last time I peed? I can’t remember. Too long? Maybe it’s lupus? Is it lupus? Ugh. I roll back over and reach for my phone. At least here on the boat the bed is not too bouncy and Lucy is oblivious to the drama unfolding next to her. Google, “Back hurts at night.” Arthritis. “Arthritis arthritis?” Yes. Well, maybe I’ll live tonight but this is it. I can’t live like this! Is that what getting old is like? I’m 35, that’s not old is it? Who am I kidding, that’s really old. Have you seen the incoming college freshman this year? 18 has never looked so young! I’m getting old! I bet I’d be dead already if I were a character in a Dickens story!

Six months later

Middle of the night and my heart races. I’m wide awake in a millisecond. I can’t feel my pinky or ring finger. It’s not asleep, it’s not there. I hold it with my other hand and look at it, trying to move it even a little. I can’t, but is that because I’m stuck in some sort of sick, hypochondriac cycle and my brain just wants me to be an unhappy, sleep deprived amputee? Eventually I can move it, but how long could I not move it? Seconds, minutes? HOURS? Why does time seem to move so strangely at night? However long it has been it feels better now. Google, “pinky finger tingles at night?” Carpal tunnel syndrome. Ulnar nerve entrapment. Now that sounds bad! Birth defect. Oh for frak’s sake!

Driving to work I consider this latest development in my health problems. I’m clearly falling apart quickly. "Arm goes to sleep at night.” "Back hurts at night.” “Pinky finger tingles at night.” My Safari search history looks like I’m 90 years old! What the Hell is happening to me? An astroid hurtles towards me and I avoid it, but that’s for another story. Wait, always “at night?” That seems odd. And you know, it’s really only been since Lucy sold the bed on Craigslist. What if….OH MY GOD!

Lucy was shocked. She had no idea that my death was so near. I guess that it's nice to know she cares. I'm happy to report that my health has never been better and the new Ikea mattress is fabulous. What's more, since the new mattress I have slept through every night and I'm back to my old self: hating to get out of bed in the morning!

P.S. Night Two of The New Bed: I woke up last night to find Lucy googling “how to stop husband from snoring"
P.P.S Night Three: I’m sleeping a little lighter now, trying not to “snore”. I think she’s barmy (I don’t snore). I notice the blue glow and find Lucy googling "how to get away with murder"
P.P.P.S. Day Four: I need to do a wiring project, which will involve being electrocuted by the batteries. I had thought it was all the Previous Owner’s doing, but maybe…..(no, she’d have to be up all night to have messed up the wiring like this…..huh….)

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  1. Thanks for the laugh with my morning coffee :-) I wouldn't worry so much about what Lucy is googling in the middle of the night as I would be about what Hastings is looking up. Dogs always look so innocent, but when you find out what they search for on Google, you'll realize it's only a matter of time before they put their world domination plan into action.

    1. I'm sure the first thing on his list is taking over a cheese farm!
      Whenever I've had a long day, I can just think about Matt and his civil war amputation nightmares! Now that's a laugh! -Lucy


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