Selling the house

My mother always said “If you’re not married, don’t get married. If you don’t have any children, don’t start now. If you don’t have a pet, don’t get one.” Sage advice. I’ll add one more. If you don’t own a house, don’t buy one!” Why? Because it will be the bane of your existence and then you will end up selling, which could well be the death of you.

Florida Pool House: Living the Dream! 

If you are going to live in Florida, you need a pool home. So we bought a pool home. Our house also had a hot tub to get us through the bitter winters when the pool temperature would drop to 72 – a good 10 degrees below Floridian’s freezing level. Everyone in Florida has to have a pool; presumably to post pictures of it to Facebook and make their northern friends jealous, but no Floridian actually uses their pool. Most don’t even look at it. Floridians also don’t go to the beach. We don’t want to see the brown potbellied Canadians in G-strings. It’s not good for our psyche. Since my main use for the pool was to cool down after mowing the lawn, it became clear that it was time to sell the house.
Florida pool house
Florida house

Getting The House Reading to Sell

Here’s how it works: you meet with a realtor, decide he is just as weird as every other realtor you’ve ever met, but no weirder. Charge around, paint, clean, decide to paint the intricate steel patio railing, decide this is the worst day of your life, plot ways out, start pulling the patio railing down to avoid having to finish painting it, receive tetanus when the rusty pointy bit impales you, prop the patio railing back up since it seems to be supporting the whole house, paint the patio railing for the entirety of your 2 week vacation, be informed by the weather channel that Florida has broken heat records, seemingly because someone had decided to perform outdoor manual labor. But you already knew that. 

Decide to replace those horrid old fashioned switchplate covers. Oh, how you hate those switch covers. Tear out a huge chunk of drywall while removing said switchplate. No problem. Trip to home depot. Patch, putty, sand, putty, sand, putty, saint, paint. Now wire the new switchplate. Nothing. Fiddle. Curse the day you were born. Reminisce about how wonderful the old traditional classy switchplates were. They don’t make them like they used to! Luckily, it will only cost you $2,685.23 to finally update that $2 switchplate. No problem.

Showing The House to Buyers 

Ask for 24 hours notice to show so you can remove the demonic pet your mother warned you about from the house. Get 24 minutes to absolutely 0 notice to show. Hussle the dog out while he tries to eat the weirdos. Go through elaborate morning rituals which include hiding all your valuables, never to be seen again. Scream at your spouse (the one your mother warned you about) for walking mud over the floor you have just finished cleaning. Develop a hate for your realtor and all buyers. Insanely stalk them from the street as they flush your toilets and then complain that your toilet flushes loudly. Wonder what on earth they could be doing in your house for 45 minutes at a time. Is this a scam? Are they looking at houses just so they can do their filthy laundry in your washing machine? Is this a front for a triple blind toilet flushing decibel level nationwide survey? Will there be a YouTube video of toilets flushing across America in houses for sale in March? Is this part of a Ph.D. study? Is the study just to see exactly what rate and intensity house sellers eyes twitch when you report that their toilet flushes loudly?

All Important House Inspection

Finally, get ahold of someone who is willing to look past the obnoxiously loud toilet flushing. Thank the Lord! The night before inspection, your house will revolt. It will basically attempt to collapse on itself. It’s happy with the way it hasn’t been used, and it certainly doesn’t want these Canadians buying it. These Canadians will surely use the pool. They will surely use the pool with their potbellies sticking out of their G-strings. Canadians do not know about the no pool usage in Florida rule. Their thick blood thinks 72 is not unsurvivable, but that it is almost too warm! That switchplate that cost $2,685.23 to update? Well, you didn’t wire it correctly after all. It’s been waiting till the Canadian’s inspect the house before finally deciding to quit and blow the circuit breaker, pitching the house into darkness. Total cost of said switchplate? 291,685.23. Worth every penny! 


Apparently, Canadians like mood lighting. They still bought the house. Just think, all these problems would have been solved if I had only followed my mother’s rules: Don’t get married (no spouse to traipse mud through the house, come up with brilliant ideas like painting the patio rail and updating the switchplate) don’t get pets (no dog to shuffle out of the house) and don’t buy a house!

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  1. love this blog! haven't laughed out loud so much since reading Dave Barry's memoirs back in the day. beautiful photos...any room for passengers ?


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