Swift

I Go On a Road Trip and It Isn't That Bad.

Don’t ask me why the humans do the things they do. I haven’t the foggiest. We sailed to a new place, and then they packed bags. I know the drill. I have to sit on the bags so they remember to pack me too. They shuffle everything into a car. Do they remember how to drive? It’s a concern. The LHI is in the hot seat first, and gets lost within 3 minutes. A Chik-Fil-A is found which remedies all that ails us. Cars don’t have much to recommend them but A/C. The arctic air comes out at a wonderful, ferocious rate. I love to put my whole nose in the vent and give it kisses. Car A/C is the best!

Car A/C - I love it!
These humans are weak and can’t take more than 3 hours of driving each. This means I get a walk every 3 hours! Sometimes on the boat I am forced to go days without land bathrooms. The humans don’t mind using bathrooms on the boat - disgusting, right?

Walks on land - what's not to love! 
Soon we were in North Carolina. I have to supervise a lot more here; there’s curves and ups and downs and it’s not straight driving like I’m good at.

There are a lot of signs to read along the way. “If you die tonight, you’re going to hell. Repent now” is immediately followed by “Get yer Moonshine here, no liquor for 100 miles”. I don’t think my humans could live in Tennessee or Arkansas. They like their liquor.

I get tired and take a nap. Dearest Darling Daddy is reading a book. The Long Haired Interloper winds up on the wrong road, headed in the wrong direction. Now, apparently, all she had to do was stay on I-40 for 2,000 miles. That shouldn’t be too hard, right? DDD is crossly blamed, but it’s my fault. If I had been awake and navigating, this wouldn’t have happened.

We drive for ages. We stop at a wonderful place that has even more A/C, a king bed, and a fridge that doesn’t tip it’s contents onto the floor every time a wave hits. Because there are no waves! It's a plus and a minus. I’m not a big fan of the waves, but I’m a big fan of pasta salad and hob nobs on the floor.

Now, the king bed is like heaven. Why don’t we have a king bed at home? I require 40 square feet of bed space to stretch out. At home, this means the humans are crushed into a corner. This isn’t my problem, of course, but it does seem more civilized to have a king bed and not have anyone crushed into a corner. Also, this room is bigger than my whole home! It’s amazing!

Civilized. The life I deserve.
Because the humans are deranged, we leave this magical heaven and drive and drive and drive. We eat a lot of snacks on the road. I’m partial to beef jerky and cheese crackers. There are more hotels, but the humans are mean or oblivious and king beds are no more.

Let’s talk about discrimination. Sometimes we have to pay extra for a “pet cleaning fee”. There are even some weird, soulless places that say “no pets”! And these same places accept children and humans. In my experience, children are the most destructive creatures on the planet, followed by adults. I bring so much joy into these hotels that they should be paying me!

After driving 2,137 miles in 2.5 days, we arrive where DDD was born. It’s weird, this place doesn’t seem like DDD. There’s no grass and only a few trees…leaving my choice between rocks and dirt. My nose gets dry. My skin itches. It’s hard to breathe and I sneeze a lot. But, there’s A/C here, and a fridge, and breakfast sandwiches with cheese every morning, so I think it’s gonna be OK.

What’s your favorite road trip snack? What’s the furthest distance you’ve ever driven in one day? How many times an hour do you lick your A/C vents? 

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6 comments

  1. A/C is such a wonderful thing, but I don't lick the A/C vents despite my love of the cool air. Sorry Hastings - I'll leave that one to you. You can have all the Hobnobs too, especially the ones that fall on the floor.

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    1. I'll take all the hobnobs I can get, thank you!!

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  2. Being from Europe, I usually don't like AC. Now, it is finally warm out in New England and from the moment you step into a grocery store or house, you need a sweater. Not fair! The only place AC is a joy, is in the car. I agree with Hastings. Oh, and in countries where the average climate is 100 degree F and 90% humidity... I only lick ice cream. :-)

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    1. I like ice cream too! The humans are too mean to let me have any though :-(

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  3. I guess the furthest distance we've driven in a 24 hour period would be from Seattle to Wichita, KS (around 1900 miles)and believe me when I say there were plenty of Twizzlers and Nacho Cheese Doritos on hand for the trip for me and Sally (oh, and Kit Kats and Twix for David).

    Cheers,
    Stephanie @ SV CAMBRIA

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    1. That is a long way to go non-stop!
      Now I want a Twix... cookie crunch with caramel and chocolate, yumm!!

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