D. Dastardly Doom in a Doughnut

A-Z: Our 30 day mission: to bring you a tasty boat life tidbit of the day, washed down with a shot of snarky slang. Boat.Life.Larks

Sure, there are plenty of D's available to drone on about. But only one D that fills the mind, heart and stomach! Donuts! Have you been thinking of writing a Dear John to your favorite donut shop, or has it been donkey's years since you've had the fabulous trifecta of fat, sugar, and fried dough? Well, don't be daft or dull as dishwater and dilly dally, we have a date with delicious doughnuts!
Donut shop selection
I'll have one of each, please!

Dastardly Doom in a Doughnut

A short horror story by Matt

Life at the dock had been going great, until today. Today catastrophe was imminent!

Our Lagoon 380 bobbed happily in her slip as we approached her. Lucy stepped up, off the step ladder we used to board the boat and onto the side deck. The gelcoat creaked under her shoes, and the water line sagged lower. The boat listed towards us at a crazy angle. As had become our custom in recent weeks, I waited for Lucy to get over to the starboard side of the boat before I boarded. She shuffled off to the starboard stateroom, and just as the boat rolled towards level, I gently set my toe on the deck of the boat. Ever so gently, I pressed down as Lucy walked farther to starboard, and I pressed my full weight down as she got to the complete opposite side of the boat.

When we first bought the Lagoon 380 it seemed huge to us…too big really. We once had 12 people onboard, and only when they were all on one end did it make a difference in the waterline. The paperwork says she has a capacity of 6,000 lbs or 14 people for protected waters. She’s a very large, capable boat! But now, just sitting in our slip with the two of us she was struggling to stay afloat. From my station on the port hull, I shouted at Lucy to move more towards center as I came aboard. We moved towards the centerline of the boat, our weights divided between the two hulls of the catamaran, her current waterline settling a foot or two above the original bottom painted waterline. Looking good so far, now for breakfast!

Boat dog loves donuts
Dogs Deserve Doughnuts
We had just arrived from our new favorite indulgence: Jupiter Doughnuts. They had opened a new doughnut shop very near the marina and we were going pretty regularly to enjoy their tasty, fried treats. This shop is amazing! They have Samoa doughnuts! Samoa! And Twix! Twix! The only doughnut with a cookie crunch….I could pick it out of a doughnut lineup if I had to! But really, the awesomeness is not limited to their intriguing topping choices. These are real, honest to goodness delicious doughnuts. They don’t have that funny Dunkin’ flavor (you know what I’m talking about!) and lack the suger-bomb sweetness of Krispie. These doughnuts from Jupiter are out of this world! (Maybe from Jupiter in the Outer System? They claim it’s Jupiter, Florida but I’m not sure…)

Nutella coconut, cinnamon sugar, heath bar. Cafe Au Lait. 
And so we eagerly prepped our coffee and doughnut treat. Where are those doughnuts? Oh no, we’re frantic now. Lucy had them last. She must’ve left them in the starboard berth. Without thinking, without planning, without careful weight and balance calculations, we both surged towards the starboard stateroom where the doughnuts must be. We moved like Hastings going after an unguarded chicken wing. Our total weight shifted the boat, and poor Independence tugged at her moorings. We felt the boat listing to starboard now, with both of us in that hull. I glanced over my shoulder and looked at the other side. The port keel was out of the water! I could see the prop and the rudder hanging in mid air! But...the doughnuts! Mmmmmm, doughnuts! Lucy and I pressed on, and that’s when it happened. The dock lines snapped, the cleats popped out of the deck and Independence capsized at her dock. Water began pouring in around us as we happily ate our doughnuts. Hastings swam by on his way to dry land, glancing over his shoulder and mumbling, “stupid humans.” But damn, are those doughnuts good!

Daily Dictionary

  • Dear John: Breakup letter 
  • Donkeys years: A long time 
  • Daft: silly 
  • Dull as dishwater: very boring 
  • Dilly dally: waste time 
  • Dear: Can mean a term of endearment, or expensive: a brand new boat with more load capacity might be lovely, but too dear! 

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  1. That is a horror story! They opened a Dunkin Donuts in Indiantown - it's a small town, so it was a huge deal. I built up all sorts of anticipation for some donuts, but when I got them, they turned out not to be as good as I imagined they would be. Maybe I should try Jupiter donuts. They sound much better.

    Cheers - Ellen | http://thecynicalsailor.blogspot.com/2016/04/d-is-for-ditch-bag-nancy-drew.html

    1. I hate the huge anticipation, big disappointment saga! I'm not a fan of Dunkin either...but if you do try the Jupiter Donuts in North Palm, stop by and say hello so we can steal your donuts!

  2. There's a doughnut shop in my hometown called Hurts Donuts and I'm kicking myself for not making the time to try them out during out last visit. The name alone would be worth it!


    1. Ooh! I bet they taste so good, it hurts your wallet!

  3. Evil! Horror! But ... nutella? How could anyone resist? (I don't even like donuts, but put nutella on something, even a plain slice of bread, and I'm there!

    1. I have a jar of Nutella in my office desk drawer....for emergencies! - Lucy


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